Tuesday, January 15, 2019

Am I Failing Motherhood?

This Motherhood thing is so complex, stressful and damn right tough. 

I know I'm not a bad mom, I know I'm doing my best.

If i'm being honest this Mom thing is much harder than I anticipated. I mean I knew it was going to be challenging but it is testing me in way more ways than I imagined. Mentally and physically I am taking a beating every day. 

I question if I'm the right person to be looking after Ru full time. 

Most days I don't get time to shower, eat meals or get changed. 

I don't get out much.

He isn't around babies his age a lot.

I don't have a lot of money to be taking him out all the time.

I'm pretty sure I'm not giving him the best life experiences.

Slowly loosing pre-baby Leah and becoming this different version of myself. As you can tell, my confidence in my mom skills are pretty low.

But I know all that he needs is to be around me, but it's pretty difficult to believe in myself. At least five minutes into the day I would have compared myself to a fellow mother on instagram.

Things like poo explosions and sick have become 'the norm'. But chasing after a crawling baby, having five seconds to do any task before Ru starts climbing my leg for attention...yeah, that's exhausting.

I count down the seconds until nap times just so I can sit down and relax.

Is that bad? I feel like that makes me a bad mom? Because I pray for a sleeping, quiet baby. 

I Google pretty much everything.

"What Should My Eight Month Old Be Eating?"

"How Much Should My Eight Month Old Sleep?"

"Is Co-sleeping Bad?"

"When Should My Baby Start Talking?"

I feel as though I'm a lost person who wondered into parenting with no skills, no qualifications and I really shouldn't be here.

But I know it's a common thing amongst parents to Google things but because I have so much self doubt, it preys down on me that what I'm searching, I should know the answer to.

Because when you're pregnant, you're told you'll know what to do. Mothers Instincts will kick in. But what happens when they don't?

Rupert is an amazing child, He is smashing milestones way before he should be and makes me so proud every day. I know most of the credit has to go to me because I am his full time carer, if you will.

But I'm a first time mom with little to no experience of babies. How do I know for sure that I'm doing a good job?

I don't.

Two months ago Rupert fell off the sofa. I cried way more than he did. I didn't know what to do, In a state of complete shock and upset I couldn't even think straight.

Because in that moment I had failed him, He had hurt himself because I went into the kitchen for a second. But how was I to know what would happen?

I've learnt from it but every time he hurts himself now I feel like I've failed him again but worse.

I know that I can never shield him from ever getting hurt. But I'm his mom, I should protect him.

The mom guilt sets in hardest when I want time alone.

There is no harm in wanting time to myself, needing to catch up on sleep and praying for a day to myself to get my house organised.

Rupert is my baby and as much as I love spending my time with him. Sometimes I feel like in order to be the best parent for him, I need some time away from him.

Stick myself on charge for a bit, get my house and head in order and feel like I'm not on the edge of a breakdown.

One thing I've learnt recently is that every mom gets this.

Maybe not all of it. But some of it.

Every mom has a moment of feeling un-perfect.

Because when you're too busy looking after the baby to sort out the huge pile of washing, Take the bin out or vacuum. It can get a little too much.

They say it'll get better. Will it? Or will new challenges arise?

One thing I know for sure is, It's worth it.

One million percent worth it. I'd do it all again in a heartbeat.

These feelings of failure aren't consuming my life, they happen every now and again. Knowing that nothing lasts forever and I'll be overwhelmed with happiness again makes everything better.

Because every smile, laugh and new milestone gives me enough happiness to cover the 'I can't do it' moments.



  1. It is so hard being a mum but all we can do is our best and our children will adore us for it. I’ve been a single mama from day one and I’ve never had time away from Reuben up until he started nursery last week and he’s nearly two and a half now! There have been so many times I wanted to break down it can get so so hard but it happens to the best of us so you should never feel guilty for wanting a break. I feel like it does get easier when they get older though, they just use up so much of your energy as little’ns! X

  2. Sending you lots of love. Motherhood can be hard! I can’t wait when I have children myself but I know it’s going to be a challenge x


  3. Being a parent is so difficult! I’m sure you are doing amazing though and don’t need to worry! Rupert will appreciate everything you do for him and definitely don’t feel bad for wanting some time to yourself - we all want that, even someone like me who isn’t a parent, so that definitely isn’t something that will go away when you do have children. I think it’s very natural to feel this way xo

    Char | www.charslittleblog.co.uk

  4. I'm not a parent myself but I can completely imagine that its a very hard job. I remember my Mum telling me she found it very hard with me (the first child) and knowing right from wrong, and I think that's totally okay. There's no way everyone should be expected to know what they're doing with their first baby, but as long as you're doing whats best for them, thats all that matters.

    Lucy | Forever September

  5. I love how honest this post is!

    Soph - https://sophhearts.com/ x

  6. Sending love! You're doing an amazing job.
    It's refreshing to read such an honest post x


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