Tuesday, February 26, 2019

Life Update: My Diet, Going Back To Work and Struggling to find a balance.

So it's no lie that I have been a little distant lately. But it's not just 'Oh, I haven't posted on my blog for a week', more that I have been vacant from my social channels, my blog, my friends and family and myself. I've been going through a few changes and I'm finding it hard to adjust.



My Diet:

I've never been one to shy away from talking about my relationship with my body and my relationship with food. I find that talking about my issues is the only way for me to understand what is going on.

Being pregnant and having a baby put my body is a whole new place to my head. I had a love for my body that I had never had before purely because it was the thing that had given me my little Rupert. But at the same time it didn't look the same, I didn't feel comfortable in my clothes and didn't really know what I was doing.

I found it hard to adjust to my eating again once I had Rupert. I wanted to eat healthily but having a baby is such hard work that you just don't have the time, or at least that's what I told myself.

I wanted to exercise and get back into my 'uni routine' of enjoying healthy eating and working out all the time. But it just didn't happen, I was too exhausted and too lazy to do anything about my weight.

I find myself now in a position where my weight has seriously become my biggest fear. I hate posing for photographs, which is difficult when you earn money by putting yourself on social media, I resent social events and I'm back to being the unconfident me I was when I had an eating disorder.

Ru is nearly ten months which means I have had ten months of ' I'll start tomorrow and Oh, I think this diet is best for me' then secretly eating a packet of Maryland cookies at 1am.

But I think I'm at the right point in my life now that I want to do something about this. Over the next few months I have huge occasions which will be heavily photographed and I want to feel my best for these.

Rupert's first birthday, His Christening, Our first family holiday abroad and a wedding.

I am in a place now where I want to do this for myself, not for those around me who I feel judgment off.

I've signed up to WW, mainly because of you tubers such as Louise Pentland who use this service and are parents like myself. I won't divulge too much into this because I don't want to push this lifestyle onto anyone because I know first hand what that's like. But I feel it's the right road for me and I'm happy about it.

Going Back to work

I recently started a job where I work one day a week from 9-5. I was pretty unsure as to taking the job because for nine months I was the main carer for Rupert five days a week.

But I knew one day a week would benefit us financially and mentally for myself to get a little head space. But they don't tell you how hard it would be.

I can't image what I'm going to be like when I go into a full time job because I can barely cope with the one day.

We chose to go with a childminder as they provide more one to one care and days out. During the week Ru has a constant one to one play with me and we often go out on walks, so I really wanted him to go to a place that reflected his home life.

We had a few settling in sessions and I was adamant that I would be okay because I knew he was happy being there. But after that first drop off I felt like I'd been hit. I felt sick. The guilt was weighing me down.

I didn't imagine mum guilt to actually hurt like this.

My emotions have been all over the place all because I feel so guilty.

I love my job and I love being my 'own person' for a few hours, It really helps me regenerate. It also allows me to get some validation that starting my own blog and building my social channels was a good thing to do during pregnancy and early motherhood, because I now run those things for a company. But how do you get used to this feeling that you're being selfish for wanting a life outside of motherhood?

Struggling to find a balance:

The biggest problem that I've had lately is I'm really finding it hard to find a balance with my commitments, my work and motherhood.

Other than working one day a week, I am a full time parent. During the week from between the hours of 7am and 6pm I solo parent Ru whilst his dad is at work. The weekends and evenings are the only time I get to take photos, write emails and work on my blog. Evenings lately are a huge vito because the lighting pretty much rules out any photos, unless I want to get my huge studio lights out.

So weekends I find are a huge rush to get as much work as possible done, whilst also fitting in time to sort my house out and give Rupert some nice family time.

Balancing my 'home work' life with my family life is really difficult when I'm restricted to time.

Why I am explaining this is because I feel it's a huge factor into my imbalance lately. I don't really have a routine which is throwing me off massively.

When I don't get the time to post or post high quality work then I feel guilty, like I'm letting myself down. But equally when I spend my weekends trying to make good content I feel guilty for not giving Rupert quality time with both of his parents. Which I think is now worsened because he spends one less day with me a week.

I hope that the increased amount of sunlight ours in the day will help me to feel more efficient and not so guilty.

Anyone else feel like this, that they can't function with a sufficient routine in place?

Rupert's sleeping is currently out the window due to teething, he also won't sleep in his own bed so my sleeping is out the window too.

We're all basically struggling a little and finding it hard to thrive in the chaos.

How do you cope in these situations?
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12 comments

  1. Love this post. Don’t rush yourself, everything takes time. Also taking social media breaks is so good. I need to do that more often! Xx

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  2. Take your time we always need to have a little break x ��

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  3. Social media breaks are so good for you, I should probably take one soon and stick to it rather than picking my phone back up after an hour 😂 also the sun is definitely such a great motivator so I hope it sticks around! Xx

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  4. Eeek I hope Rupert’s sleeping sorts itself out soon and then I’m sure everything else will feel so much easier! x

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  5. I am absolutely dreading going back to work and leaving Elara! Hooe you start getting more sleep lovely, sleep deprivation is so so difficult! I’m super lucky because Elara has slept through the night since she was about 5 weeks old!! Xx

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  6. You need to give yourself credit as you're doing an amazing job! I think everything you're feeling is so normal and common as you've just done something incredible and are raising a baby! I wish you the best of luck with finding more balance!

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  7. You're doing amazing Leah, honestly! I'm struggling to juggle uni, work and blogging at the moment - it can be difficult! But you're doing great, keep going!

    Lucy | Forever September

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  8. Before Reuben started nursery I just managed to find a work routine where I could work from home whilst he played nicely, before he was 1 we used to have a playpen and he could watch tv from it with all his toys, he loved it in there and it was a god send!

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  9. Good luck with your weightloss journey on WW. I follow Slimming World and once you find the right plan for you it does get easier and you'll start to see a big difference.

    Katie | www.justkatiee.com XX

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  10. I honestly think you're doing so well! Juggling everything is super stressful, but I'm positive you're a great mum and work super hard on your blog :) xo

    Char | www.charslittleblog.co.uk

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  11. I struggle to balance high school and blogging so I can’t even imagine trying to balance that a job and motherhood! The only advice I would have and I know it’s eaiser said than done but don’t be so hard on yourself, I think you are doing amazing! Taking care of another little human is a full time job in itself, don’t forget to remind yourself that you are doing a great job! With the Mum guilt I’m not sure I’d this will help, but I grew up with a single Mum so I went the child minders a couple of times a week, it helped me become more comfortable staying with other people and I was a really independent kid. So it’s not a bad thing at all! Hope this helped in some way xx
    Elina | www.justsoelina.com

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  12. You're doing amazing juggling everything!
    I'm struggling at the moment juggling but everything takes time x

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