Sunday, May 5, 2019

A Year of Motherhood.

I'd like to think I was prepared for this, but I wasn't.

Being pregnant I was overwhelmed with advice. People told me that everything would go so fast, I didn't realise how right they were.

My little boy is one. A whole year of being his mother. Although the milestone is mainly his, It's mine too. I survived a year of looking after a human, he is healthy, happy and most importantly, he is mine.

I did so much reading, so much research, in an attempt to prepare myself for what would become the biggest adventure of my life. Although it came in handy, it didn't prepare me for what was to come.

On May 6th at 7:04am you were born. Moments before, we didn't know your gender, your face or even your name. I can't imagine now not knowing these things. Your little smile, your laugh and the feeling of having your head on my chest whilst we cuddle watching Duggee.

Being a mom has been the most exhausting year of my life. Emotionally, physically and mentally.

It's so hard.

Would I change it for anything? Never.

I wanted to be the perfect mom, the one I had drilled into my own head during pregnancy. When my labour went exactly to plan, I was ecstatic. We were home within a few hours of giving birth and my little family had nestled in nicely at home.

The most hear trenching moment of motherhood to date was when the Health Visitor visited and immediately booked us all into hospital because Ru was loosing weight dramatically. I remember sitting in my living room, holding onto my tiny baby feeling as though my world was slipping a part. I had failed him and my dream of breastfeeding my little baby had turned into dust.

Spending three days in a small hospital ward, in a heatwave was not what I pictured my first few days with my baby being like. I wanted to be able to give him everything and I couldn't.

I wanted things to be natural, for everything to fall into my lap. I assumed that mothers instinct would kick in and I would know what to do at every turn. But I didn't. My judgement was damaged because of failed Breastfeeding and I doubted myself beyond belief.

But he was happy, growing and thriving on formula. So why did it matter if I couldn't give him everything? It didn't. It took a while to get to grips with and even now I feel wounded by this experience.

I have had such amazing ups and hideous downs in this first year but what gets me through every day is his beautiful little smile and the way he laughs when I say Boo! The little things make my world go round.

The early days were spent crying from loneliness, watching boxset after boxset and during cold cups of tea. I was an emotional wreck and looking back I would try and do things differently.

I hated baby groups, I was dragged to one with my Mum and I had never felt so much exclusion in my life. I wasn't seen as one of the moms, in a room of new moms. People wanted to talk to my mom about Ru but not me. I put myself into this little box of not wanting to be around these people.

I had such extreme guilt for not going to baby groups, even though they filled me with such anxiety. Ru wasn't around other babies a lot.

The silence. I hated the silence. I used to get so excited if someone said they would come and visit me and would often be left feeling crushed when they canceled. 6pm was my favourite time, because Harry would come home and I could unload all my thoughts from the day onto him.

I craved adult conversation.

I often felt more guilt for wanting non-baby related conversation. I wanted to be more than a Mom.

The initial tears of tiredness turn into tears of 'I can't do this anymore', that quickly turn into tears of 'Wow where did my little boy go?'.

Yesterday I was changing Ru and I caught a glimpse of him. Before my eyes he had gone from a small little sleeping baby to a chunky, funny toddler.

I've learnt that nothing lasts forever, the good and the bad. This journey has taught me that I am capable of anything because I have done the most incredible thing in the world by being a mom.

The 5am wake ups, the tantrums, the rubbing food into my new sofa and the screaming, is all worth it.

I never knew what it would take to be a parent and never thought it would ever be this difficult.

He is my forever best friend, the best thing that has ever happened to me and I feel like the world's luckiest person to have Rupert in my life.

One year of Rupert, One year of Motherhood.

Happy Birthday Rupert.



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