Sunday, February 2, 2020

Not Coping With Co-Parenting.

It has been six whole weeks of co-parenting. Something I may add I didn't see in my 2020 or in my life at all. I've always been one for trying and team work but this is something out of my control. It was either going it alone or co-parenting.

It isn't something that has come naturally to me and I did think it would be something that got easier as the weeks progressed. But if anything it has become harder. Time going by and co-parenting still in process assures me that this is more of a long term thing, rather than the short break I hoped for.

The first thing I established was a routine, Something I knew we needed to give Rupert. Some sort of comfort that he knew what was happening. He would be with me in the week and with his dad on alternate weekends.

The first pick up was hard. I didn't want to see my baby go but in all the emotional turmoil I was experiencing: I was happy for him to have some time away from me to have some fun. Turn to week six and I find that I am now crying for longer periods of time during the pick up stage. I find it harder to be productive during my time away from him and often just sit there and think about what he is doing. But what's the alternative to me sitting and missing my baby? Not seeing his dad?

Seems to me that I am stuck in between two very hard rocks.

The whole situation has been very traumatic for me. I am struggling to find a balance that feels right for everyone involved. Where I get to spend time being the mom I want, whilst giving Rupert stability and a normal life. Then I have to consider the feelings of his dad, who wants to have time with him too.

It seems there isn't enough time in the days, enough days in the week and enough happiness to spread around. As always I am the one hunting around for scraps of joy once everyone else has had their share.

Having children involved in a breakup makes the situation very hard. Because you still have to think and care about the feelings of the other person, keep them informed in the life of your loved one.

Don't get me wrong, co-parenting can be a wonderful thing. It can allow two parents to be the best parents they want to be without having to put themselves through an unhappy life of being with someone they no longer love.

But what happens when it isn't a decision that was made by both parents? What happens when it is all down to the choice of one parent and the rest of the world gets dragged along with it. You want that person to be happy but what about your own happiness?

I thought I could do this. I really believed that somewhere inside of me I could be the best parent I wanted to be on my own. But it is proving to be a lot harder than I thought.

Dealing with a broken heart, growing a baby and looking after a toddler: all whilst trying to go along with a life you don't want. Finding time to heal is difficult when you have to constantly push yourself to the point of breaking in order to make those around you happy.

It seems there is no end goal where everyone gets what they want. But when you're making the decisions you have to pick between the good guy who ends up hurting the most of the bad guy who brings complete unhappiness to those around them.

So, I am not coping. I wish I could say that this was working and that I am thriving in this new life. But I am always one for complete honesty.

So where is the solution? Because I am struggling to find one where everyone is happy. Where Rupert doesn't have to say goodbye to mommy in order to be with daddy. Where Rupert doesn't have to hear his mom cry herself to sleep every night.

My fears only grow for the birth of my baby boy in five weeks because how will that make Rupert feel? How will baby feel not having the same love and time from both mommy and daddy that his older brother got.

I really hope that this resolves itself soon, that I am shown a way forward that includes some love for myself.


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