Wednesday, April 1, 2020

Letter To Ruben.

A letter to my darling Ruben.

Ruben Vincent Thacker: My Love, My Heart and My Everything.
You didn't teach me to love and you didn't teach me how to be a mother.
Everything I do with you I've done before: from the messy nappies, bottle making and figuring out how to work a onesie. But you are new, a different adventure.
Every step I take with you, We bring your big brother along. 
There is very little time for you and I alone, We are a three.
You came into this world with an important purpose: to heal my heart when it hurt the most and give your brother a much needed friend. There was a larger purpose for your arrival: something I never knew I needed before. You have filled a huge hole in my heart and made it stronger than ever before.

The world may be scary, not the situation I wanted to start our adventure with. I wanted our start to be different to that of your brothers. I was so scared to be a Mom, so scared to take on the world that I stayed inside. With you I wanted to take everything on face first, make memories with our little family. Little did I know the world had other plans. 
As a Mom I want to protect you, now more than ever. I want to shield you from sickness and pain. 

I am not the strongest, bravest, prettiest, wealthiest, most adventurous Mom: but I will try. I will always love you, always care for you and always be there for you when you need me most. 
I can't promise you the world.
I can't promise that every day will be full of happiness.
I can't promise that I won't find it hard.
But I can promise that you'll never be without a friend, someone to listen and someone to hold.

With each day you grow, you change and you learn. I find myself missing precious moments as they zoom by so fast. Moments that I never would have missed with your brother but now everything is split in two. 
I feel enormous guilt that you share my heart. I feel sick that you don't get the same start with two parents like your brother. 
I continue to wonder what wonderful things you'll do. 
As you continue to grow, grasp your own personality and take on new skills: I'll find myself in complete awe of you. I have loved watching your brother and I can't wait to see who you are. From your laugh: I hope you don't get my cackle like Rupert. Your smile and your sense of adventure. I hope you are smart like your grandad and loving like your brother, gentle like your mother and ambitious like your father. I hope you find beauty in the simple things and never take life for granted.
I hope you find someone to love, that loves you as much as I do.
That you find passion and happiness, that you never experience heart break and disappointment.
I hope you enjoy your sleep, love food and never shy away from a cuddle.

I want to keep you in your little newborn bubble forever: where no-one can upset you, hurt you or make you cry.

I will bring you up to be kind, empathetic and gentle. To teach you that loving is the greatest thing you can do, to never apologise for who you are and what you love and that although you are one in billions of people: you are very important.

You may not be my first love but you hold my heart firmly in your tiny fingers.

I love you Ruben Vincent Thacker.

Son, Brother, Grandson, Friend, Cousin: Beautiful Soul.



  1. oh this is just gorgeous. lots of love to you x

  2. This is super sweet! I hope you are all doing ok.

    Amy x
    The July Rose

  3. This moved me to tears!! You're doing so well mama!

  4. This is so so lovely and so beautiful to look back on. Such a great idea for when I have children, thank you. You're doing amazing xx

    Megan Elizabeth


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