Friday, June 12, 2020

A Really Honest Life Update

I have always been very open and honest with my readers. In tough times I have always looked to my blog as a kind of diary, a way to get everything out and process my feelings. Last year, more than most, my blog was a sanctuary for me. I dove into the breakup of my family, my pregnancy and my mental health. But this year I have hidden a lot from you all out of fear.

Over the years I have grown a bit of a following, something I am very grateful for but lately it has become a bit of a hinderance. I am always so overwhelmed with the support I receive but on the back end of things I always feel a huge amount of judgement.

A lot of my following is other parents which means that not everyone agrees with the way I go about things because they do them differently. Which is fine but makes sharing my life recently a little more difficult. Ruben, my second born, is now three months old and no longer a newborn. There are moments like him trying to roll over that I would have shared with Rupert that I feel unable to share now. We are going through certain stages with Rupert that I don't feel comfortable sharing. On the one hand I know everyone has different opinions on the things we're doing but I also feel now that he is older he deserves a bit more privacy. I tend to keep these limited to family group chats and WhatsApp groups rather than my instagram.

Rupert is still very young and doesn't understand what mommy does for a living, which means he hasn't given verbal consent to have his whole life plastered over the internet. Up until recently I have been fine with it all because I have never shared the embarrassing moments, the tantrums and practically kept it all positive. As a young mom I have dealt with a bit of an identity crisis and have always wanted to keep my online life as Me and then talk about the kids as a part of my life, instead of just revolving everything around their lives. If that makes sense?

When Rupert was born I had just started blogging and my following has grown as he has grown. Back then my following was a lot more intimate and I had more of an understand of who was following and watching. Now anyone could be so I need to keep them safe.

But this has meant that as Rupert has hit the age of two I have really been thinking about what I should be sharing. I don't want him to grow up and his friends to bully him because his tantrums are all over instagram, his potty training mishaps are there to read like a diary. I have been sharing his face and life less and less but know that because my blog and socials are my life and he is a big part of that: I don't think I will ever fully cut him out of it all unless he tells me so. But until then I will be sharing very little of him and his developments. This isn't something everyone will do but I feel it's important to be careful on what I share in case he doesn't feel comfortable about it when he is old enough to understand.

A big part of our lives has been his potty training. I won't go into much of it because of what I have just said. The process is taking longer than what I had hoped but we have been having some amazing break through moments.

Now onto something that has peeked the attention of a lot of people.

My break up with Harry last year was very public: I was pregnant, heartbroken and very lonely. I found such comfort in my blogging community. I shared all my pain and struggles into the world of being a single parent. This was something I don't regret. I never bashed Harry as he has been and always will be an amazing parent and throughout what happened we both put the kids first in every single step.

Saying that, We are back together and have been since April. It was a decision that we came to after realising that time apart was what we needed rather than a split.

In the five months we weren't together there was only about three days when we didn't talk to each other. We wanted to keep things positive and good for the boys but there was always that extra spark that just never went away. We came to the decision to try again but face the things that tore us apart.

I guess we just couldn't face a life of seeing each other with other people, seeing the kids in separate homes and despite everything that happened, he was still my best friend.

We decided to keep everything off social media and for a while didn't tell our friends and family. We wanted to make sure that if getting back together didn't work out then we wouldn't be upsetting other people all over again. People on both sides of our lives had some really strong opinions on what had happened and bringing them in too early might have been too much strain too early.

When we got back together, we had been spending a lot of time together because Ruben had just been born. In the two days of labour, he was my rock and we spent hours just talking. The four months before had mainly been texts and FaceTime and being together face to face again just lovely. He then spent a week helping me adjust to two under two: then lockdown hit. Harry decided to move in with the boys, my parents and I.

But despite it all, the past two or so months have been amazing. We are both very happy with the decision and have decided to move back in together. So the house hunting has begun.

We decided to 'put it on social' I guess because of a number of things. All our family and close friends know about it and are adjusted to having Harry around. I share my life on social media, it's my job and Harry is a big part of my life. I will be limiting what I show of our relationship but Harry was never a big part of what I shared anyway: but people would see he was there. Then I was getting a lot of messages asking about our relationship.

I have also shyed away from the subject as I feel I may come across as stupid. The breakup as I said was public and then taking him back, I didn't want it to come across in the wrong way. It was a mutual decision and one that was right for us. I don't need to justify it all but don't want people to think I have done it just for the kids.

It is something we're all very happy with and something that was right for our family.

Now off that and into my mental health.

At the beginning of lockdown I really struggled with my mental health. I was dealing with two under two, not being with Harry, I had just given birth and we were all in a global pandemic full of fear. But if I'm honest my MH has really settled.

But I wouldn't see it as a good thing.

Lockdown has allowed my anxiety in particular to go into a relaxed state.

My anxiety is based around being in groups of people, talking on the phone, confrontation, social situations and contact. Basically everything we have been told to avoid lately are the things I hate doing and cause me anxiety. Lockdown has taken all my anxiety away but now lockdown is lifting my anxiety has flooded back because all those years of slowly building up my confidence has been swiped away and now I suddenly have to get it all back.

I am currently unable to make phone calls, answer the door and pretty much don't go anywhere without Harry or my Mom.

It is something I am trying to deal with but knowing a doctors appointment isn't that easy to get at the moment is making it hard for me to try and seek help. But I will get there, I hope.

But with all that, I am the happiest I have been in a long time. Being a mom to two is incredible and having Harry and my family supporting me is amazing. My blog and work has been better than every and I can really see a future in this for the first time. I have plans for my future and I am excited about my life which hasn't been the case for ages. I am happy and very blessed.

I wanna continue to share my life on social media because it is something I love to do but people need to understand that as a parent I have more important things to think of like my family. I love the people I have met through social media, especially my lovely WhatsApp group but I do find I get a lot of slack for the smallest things. Which makes the idea of sharing stuff like weaning Ruben in a few months or potty training Rupert a little difficult.

Thank you for everyone who has messaged me during the past few months.

I really hope that has settled things xo

1 comment

  1. I loved reading this! So glad you’re feeling happy and positive. You’re doing the right thing for you and your boys and that’s the best you can do 👍🏻


Blog Design Created by pipdig