Saturday, September 12, 2020

A Love Letter To My Body (TW)

I'm Sorry. 


Trigger Warning!
This post contains words associated with self harm, suicide attempts, depression and eating disorders.




I know that the first step to healing is admitting I was wrong. 

I am sorry for everything I have put you through. I never would have allowed these things to happen to anyone else but for some reason I let these happen to you. We have battled through so much from coughs and colds, to breaking my wrist when I was thirteen, to eating disorders and depression. We have battled through heartbreak after heartbreak, loss of family members and loosing friends. 

I am sorry for being ashamed of you, for calling you fat and ugly. For cutting you, bruising you and starving you. I am sorry for taking you to the edge and not believing in what we could achieve.

I am sorry for doubting you, for wishing you away and wishing you to be different.

I am sorry for trying to end our life. I am sorry for letting my mental health get so low and get myself into a place where I wanted to die. I let the actions of others and their feelings towards me get the better of me.

But even through all of that you have kept me here.

You have given me life for the past 24 years, battled illness, sheltered me and most of all gave me my two amazing boys. 

Thank You for know what I needed: for giving me Rupert when I never thought I could handle motherhood. Becoming a mom was the best thing to ever happen to me, Rupert has saved and healed me so much. You gave me him. Thank You for giving me Ruben, knowing my pregnancy with him would give me something to hold onto during a tough time.

I ask for your forgiveness for ever harming you. For every cut, every bad word and every time I ever made you throw up. Every time I starved you or made you binge. 

I hate that I did these things to you, I am sorry for giving you hardship after hardship. I am sorry for letting people hurt you and make you feel worthless. 

I let people physically and emotionally make you feel like you deserved to be harmed. 

You deserved more.

I have started looking at you differently. I look in the mirror and I don't see fat or ugly: I see a body that has been neglected, deprived of attention and love, exhausted and longing for happiness. I am trying to see the beauty, the kindness and love that it can give. Every stretch mark I see gives me hope as to what my body can do.

To all the parts of my body I love. I love my eyes, they are big and blue. I love my belly (Gosh, Never thought I'd say that). It is wobbly, covered in stretch marks and I love every part of it. I love my double chin, I love my bum and I love my thick thighs.

To my body, I send love, hugs, comfort and the promise that I will keep you safe and from harm. I can't promise we will never experience pain or bad thoughts but I will stick with you and not fight against you.

I am grateful for every sensation, every raindrop that has fallen on my skin. Every hug I have ever received. Every kiss, Every moment of sun and laughter. I thank you for every moment of ugly laughing, where my belly hurts and my eyes cry. I thank you for every dance, every song and every smile.

Promises:

I promise to look after you to the best of my ability. I promise to cut you some slack and remember that we don't have to be the best at everything. I promise to love every part of you, to never wish you away and to always look at you with happiness. I promise to drink more water, eat more fruit and to never turn down cake. I promise to let you ignore the crazy thoughts that everyone hates you, to not put pressure on yourself and not get too overwhelmed in small situations. To never force you to do anything you don't want to do.

I promise to be kind from now on.

Thank You.


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1 comment

  1. Leah, this is so raw! I’m sorry the world made you feel this way. You are beautiful, you created two children. I’m also happy to see what you are on the mend, we may not “know” each other but also hear if you need it. It’s nice to see a fellow brummie being successful!��

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