Tuesday, September 8, 2020

Why Having Two Children is Hard.

 I never wanted to be able to write this blog. I thought that two would be a struggle but if anything I would have learnt from the first and would handle things better. 'Number Two Just Slots In'. This is what everyone told me when I was expecting my second but that just hasn't been the reality at all.

Having a two year old and a 6 month old is hard, throw in a global pandemic and well, we've pretty much fallen off the side of the earth. I didn't really know what to expect having a second but if anything I thought the worst it can be in twice as hard. I was wrong, in so many ways. 

'How To Cope With Two Children' has been a drafted blog of mine for about four months now: mainly because I was hoping that I would soon learn how to cope in order to write it. But I am still very much struggling to find the answers.

It isn't twice as hard, because it is a whole different realm. New experiences and way more juggling. I went from having one difficult child to a whole army. 

I used to have one kid walking behind me making a mess as I cleaned and now I have one kid making a mess whilst I clean and the other screaming for attention. 

I wanted to be the positive influence that showed people they could handle two because I could, but no. Sorry. 

I feel like the biggest failure in the world, I know I am not, but I can't help feeling that way.

There are hundreds of moms out their doing the exact same but the huge build up of hormones, emotions and that pile of dirty washing standing over your shoulder makes YOU the worst. The large amounts of time on your own means that these irrational thoughts just grow inside your brain to uncontrollable measures.

It isn't even like I have naughty or difficult kids because I know some people have it much harder than me but in reality I just have two very happy kids that love their mom and want her attention all the time. 

Guilt is a huge thing that comes with having two. You are used to being able to be their everything and when number two comes along that gets thrown away. You are lumped with the guilt of taking away their normality of being your everything and feeling more guilt towards your second child who will never know what it is like to be the centre of your universe.

I have done things so differently with my second that hits me with a lot of guilt. I cuddled my first to sleep and we co-slept. My second goes to sleep without cuddles and sleeps in his own room. I almost feel like I am portraying I don't love him as much which I do. But the things I did as a mom to one is impossible to recreate with two.

Two kids with very different needs. Whilst my two year old is watching Trolls 24/7 and wanting Mommy to get his snacks ready, play with his toys and cuddle him when he's sad or tired: My 6 month old wants all my attention to help him get to the toys he can't reach, feed him, change him, get him to sleep and entertain him. It's like having two full time jobs scheduled at the exact same time in two completely different places. You can't be everywhere at once but you certainly can't be everywhere at twice.

Number two hits you harder because there isn't that newborn bubble, that time to rest or the endless amounts of boxsets. When my first was born: when he slept, I slept. When he was playing I would eat or have a drink. I would sit and watch endless boxsets whilst we cuddled. Then when daddy came home he would take over whilst I sorted the house and made dinner. Two is a whole new ball game. Imagine inviting the Tasmanian devil to come live with you. When the baby sleeps, I look after the toddler. When he is playing, I make food or games for my eldest. When daddy comes home we have to balance both the kids whilst I clean and make dinner.

I feel trapped a lot of the time. The idea of going out with two without a car is haunting. My toddler likes to run off and my six month old has a lot of baggage. Every outing as a solo parent with the both of them ends up being a military operation with enough equipment for a family of 6 two week long camping trip.

I got myself into a habit of talking to myself but I just didn't have anyone else to do it with. I wanted to be a 'normal' person for a little bit. I wanted to go out and talk about anything that wasn't motherhood or babies. I wanted to talk about Love Island or Drunken Nights Out. 

Arguments tend to arise with loved ones because they don't see how being at home all day can be hard, challenging or mentally draining. They go to work and you stay at home. But I found myself getting very jealous of my partner going to work because he had that adult interaction, he got to talk to other people. I very rarely got that conversation or interaction. Weekends were the thing I lived for but my partner would want to stay in with the kids after a long week at work and I would be dreaming of seeing something other than the inside of my house.

Going from 0-1 is hard but 1-2 is a hurricane. There isn't that time to adjust or learn, you're thrown in head first. 

We didn't get that beautiful loving moment when my youngest was born. My eldest cried, hated his brother and didn't want his parents anywhere near him. Six months in and he gives minimal interaction with him, it is very much wanting mommy and daddy to play with rather than his brother. Not sure when that'll happen, soon hopefully. 

I am finding everything overwhelming. Two children very much outweighs two adults. So if you're going through the same thing, hang in there. I wish I could be more helpful.


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